Sharpen Your Elbows

Yesterday was the opening of the annual book fair held at our local university. 

There is a premium – five dollars – to shop the first two hours.  A group of twenty book hounds, bookstore owners, Ebay buyers and folks who just love book bargains gather in the hallway waiting for the door to open.  In the hallway it is all geniality, camaraderie, amiability, and laughter.  We all know each other by sight; we have a annual appointment together.

Once the threshold was crossed, the laughter abruptly fell silent and it was all business.  Fierce. Intense. Serious.  To our dismay, we found the books haphazardly piled on tables.  One bookstore owner impressed me by organizing the table before him, lining up the books on their end so the others could easily read the titles.  (I made a mental note to more frequently patronize his store.)  This year quite a few “early birds” had cell phones and were calling ISBNs home to check book prices, I suppose.  One guy was working his Blackberry. 

An old acquaintance worked on my sanctification, wanting to chat – chat! – and catch up on years of living while out of the corner of my eye I saw books snatched up right and left.   Should old acquaintance be forgot?

Frankly, the sale was a disappointment.  Most of the books were culled from the university library’s sociology and psychology section.  The new group organizing the sale did precious little publicity; thus there were only a few privately donated books. In the past I have found books by Lloyd-Jones, Nancy Wilson, and Jonathan Edwards; they were not culled from the university library. No such luck, uh, providence, yesterday.

A good portion of my purchases are books I already own but can’t resist buying for others.  Two such books are written by William Zinsser:  On Writing Well and Writing to Learn I read On Writing Well in March, and highly recommend it. If you write, you need this book.  If you’ve read it, you need to re-read it.  Rick Steves, the travel guide, wrote:

I learned to write by giving talks…I read one book – On Writing Well by William Zinsser.  When I feel like I should read another book to fine-tune my writing, I read Zinsser again.  

So I’m going to give this lovely pair of books away to one of you. Two free books!  Leave a comment and I’ll pick a name out of a hat.  I’m happy to send them overseas, so don’t be shy Sonja in South Africa or Alfonso in Spain *or Hope in Brazil* (wink).   I’ll pick a winner next Friday, May 2. 

Yay!  I love to give books away!

Sniffing Boats, Singing Seals and Fat Banks of Fog

“When there’s enough that is the same
and enough that is different in such a relationship,
there is a fruitful middle ground to be explored.”

~ Luci Shaw, writing about her friendship with Madeleine L’Engle in Books & Culture. When I read those words, I immediately thought of travel.  We have humanity in common with all the people of the earth: we all experience loss, love, boredom, fear and wonder.  But each region has a unique culture and in exploring both the likenesses and dissimilarities we find things of delight and things of disgust.  The thrill of recognition – oh, she’s just like me! – and the fascination of otherness – um, why is that important to you? – are part of building any relationship.

William Zinsser calls the memoir “one of nonfiction’s most appealing forms.”  Amen and amen.  Insert travel in front of memoir and I’ll be swaying and singing my praises.  Travel memoirs float my boat. I love exploring Afghanistan, Russia, Japan, Mississippi, Patagonia, Provence, Tuscany, China etc. from the eyes of an observant outsider.

Some Lovely Islands by Mr. Leslie Thomas is now one of my favorite travel memoirs.  I will scour the bookstores of Great Britain for copies of this book. Thomas out-Rick-Steves Rick Steves as a “temporary local.”  He is not as philosophical as John Steinbeck in Travels With Charley, but his writing sparkles like a sun-drenched sea.  I filled nine pages of my journal with quotes from this author.

Thomas decided to visit 10 very different islands off of Ireland and Great Britain in one year.  Some were uninhabited, some had monasteries, a few had long-established communities, and most had a lighthouse.  It was great to read a chapter, surf the web and see the visuals; some of the people he mentioned in this 1967 book are now selling photographs on the web.  Viva le Google!

It is the writing that pinches, tickles, grabs and holds you.   He sees the elements of nature as living things; they are alive when you read his descriptions.

The mountains and sky fell upon each other
like black wrestlers locked in a hold;
and there was I staggering over mooring ropes and anchors.

…the saddest sight. 
A whole village, a whole life,
a whole story in doleful ruin.
The houses back up the hill,
roofless, windowless, doorless,
like a congregation of senile people
without teeth or eyes.

Fat banks of fog…with a certain politeness
stopped short and stood around
just outside the harbour.

The boat sniffed around the rocks
and panted into the landlocked pool
like a dog pleased to have rediscovered
a familiar rabbit hole.

Fads and fashions,
pavement and politics,
are miles away and of no matter.
The singing of the seals is real.

Samuel Rutherford, Master of Metaphor



When I am in the cellar of affliction,
I look for the Lord’s choicest wines.

~ Samuel Rutherford

The popular quote above isn’t found in this edition of Letters of Samuel Rutherford, but it illustrates Rutherford’s masterful use of metaphor.  This collection of 69 letters is a treasure-trove of wisdom and pastoral care.  Tender with the weak, bracing with the proud, honest about his own struggles, this man is remarkable.  (All emphases mine)

What does he say to a mother who has lost a child? 

~ Courage up your heart; when you tire, he will bear both you and your burden.


What does he write to a man in prison a week before he is to be hanged? 

~  Be not terrified; fret not…Cast the burden of wife and children on the Lord Christ; he careth for you and them.  Your blood is precious in his sight

How did he express his own distress of soul?

~  I did not dream of such shortness of breath, and fainting in the way toward our country…this is the thickest darkness…Dear brother, help me, and get me the help of their prayers who are with you.

How did he encourage a woman going through various trials?

~  Believe his love more than your feeling, for this world can take nothing from you that is truly yours, and death can do you no wrong.  Your rock doth not ebb and flow, but your sea.

See how he writes very frankly to a proud laird of a castle:

~  Dear Sir, I always saw nature mighty, lofty, heady and strong in you; and that it was more for you to be mortified and dead to the world than for another common man. You will take a low ebb, and a deep cut, and a long lance, to go to the bottom of your wounds in saving humiliation, to make you a won prey for Christ.  Be humbled; walk softly. Down, down, for God’s sake, my dear and worthy brother, with your topsail.  Stoop, stoop! it is a low entry to go in at heaven’s gate.

He models godliness for his parishioners:

~  I have learned some greater mortification, and not to mourn after or seek to suck the world’s dry breasts.

Two things helped me as I read through the letters.  Rutherford was born around 1600; that made it easy to ascertain his age by noting the date of the letter.  In the back there are brief notes about the recipients of Rutherford’s letters.  It’s worth it to flip back and learn more about the correspondent before reading the letter.

In short, this is a book worth reading, worth buying, worth giving, worth re-reading.  If you want a sample of letters, check here.

Rick Steves in Europe

Postcards from Europe was a fun, light read.  It weaves stories from Rick’s early life of travel with a current (1999) solo blitz around Europe.  Rick’s signature phrase Europe through the back door promotes travel which spends less money, connects with locals, is more informal, and gets off the beaten path.  In this narrative (although he can never completely shed his role as teacher) Rick reveals stories behind the scenes.  He is a looser, less buttoned-up guide.  He doesn’t purge the book of potentially offensive subjects such as the fact that in Denmark the word journey is spelled fart, or that Amsterdam offers every available vice.       

Face it, Rick Steves has an enviable job: annual trips to Europe which are tax-deductible, friends around the globe, breathing history, the satisfaction of helping tens of thousands of people.  It’s not all beer and skittles though.  His success has proven that a good word from him in a guidebook translates into big money for the folks in the travel industry.  People hound, manipulate, beg, berate and banter for a recommendation from him.  A trip to Europe is always work with its niggling details.  Here are some of my favorite quotes:

From the start, I had a passion for journal writing.
I followed one strict rule: Never finish a day without writing it up.

I learned to write by giving talks…I read one book – On Writing Well by William Zinsser.  When I feel like I should read another book to fine-tune my writing, I read Zinsser again. 

Italians are a moveable party. 
They can make a traffic jam fun.

Good travel is more than counting blessings.  It’s understanding them. You appreciate the vintner and the land in the bouquet of a fine wine. You let a favorite artist share new beauties in times and places you’ve never been. You eat better ice cream than you thought possible. And you warm your spirit in the glow of a European who’s found his niche in life. Good travel makes God obvious to me.

England with Susan Allen Toth


  

When one is planning a trip to Great Britain Fodor’s, Lonely Planet, Blue Guide and Rick Steves all have maps, stars, rating systems, and specifics about sites to see, food to eat and places to stay.  Travel guides are incredibly helpful, but sometimes one prefers to sit at table with a steaming pot of tea and a friend who has just returned from England and listen to stories. 

Susan Allen Toth is just that friend, and she has written three books full of delightful narrative.  My Love Affair with England (1992) is a comfortable quilt pieced together from her multiple trips as a student, teacher, bride and  tourist.  In England As You Like It (1995) (my favorite of the three) Toth fleshes out her travel philosophy, shares more journeys and includes tons of practical wisdom such as the best souvenirs for friends at home.  With England for All Seasons (1997) Toth persuades you that England rewards those who travel outside the high season.  In a serendipitous chapter, she describes flying into Glasgow and driving to the Isle of Mull which is our exact itinerary (although we’re continuing on to Iona).

Susan writes about Susan’s (and James’ her husband) loves: above all walking and gardens.  In the same way that Wodehouse is wonderful, but too much Wodehouse in one sitting can be wearisome, all the walking was a bit much.  This is easily fixed by reading these books spaced between others on your pile.

Besides being an Anglophile, Susan is a bibliophile.  Literary referrences abound, especially in the vignettes about specific regions; I could abide in those abounding bookish notes.  Toth inspired me to design our trip more according to our interests and less from the dictates of the guidebooks.  Favorite bits from these lovely books:                

~  The Thumbprint Theory of Travel:  spend a week in a spot no larger than a thumbprint on a large scale map of England.  In theory I love this; but if, alas, your trip is once-in-a-lifetime this isn’t feasible.
~  Eating in England: eat big breakfasts, pubs are the place, drink lots of tea, delight in their dairy, when in doubt, order an omelet.  Buy fresh produce and fix your own meals in a self-catering flat.  Don’t forget ethnic food.

~  Souvenirs for friends: skip the trinkets, stop at the supermarket.  Buy exclusively English jams, marmalades, candies, crackers, relishes, biscuits, etc.

~  Travel journals: skip the facts and historical dates (buy the brochure for those), keep it short, include details which bring a moment back to you. Discipline yourself to write daily.

~ In Praise of Overpacking:  don’t waste time looking for it abroad if you can bring it.  This works best with the Thumbprint Theory. 

~ The joy of English place names.  If words delight you, read these books for all the glorious names.

Home to Holly Springs

Home to Holly Springs by Jan Karon, read by Scott Sowers

Home to Holly Springs is new territory and a new style sheet for Jan Karon.  When I first listened, I thought she had read this article contrasting her Mitford (a bit unfavorably) with Wendell Berry’s Port William and salted her prose accordingly. 

In the first Father Tim book, our dear retired Anglican priest goes back to his home town in Mississippi and faces some of the demons from his earlier life.  We already know from the Mitford books that Father Tim’s relationship with his father was problematic, at best.  Father Tim had never been back since the death of his mother, effectively ditching all the relationships which were established in his youth.  One by one he searches out the people whose influence had molded his life. 

I loved the cadences of Timothy Cavanaugh’s conversations with strangers and with old friends.  Karon captured the charm, the contrariness and the cheesiness of her Southern clerks, old ladies and ground hog hunters. 

Father Tim comes face to face with two women with the same first name; both women wronged Tim in some way; both women faced a similar life-shaking situation.  I found one encounter satisfying, but the other left me hollow.  I guess that is because one woman acknowledged her wrong and asked, point blank, for forgiveness while the other dropped a bombshell with precious little explanation, then proceeded to ask for more sacrifice on Tim’s part.  The breach in their former relationship was glossed over.  Even as I continue to ponder, I see huge differences in the two women’s circumstances; perhaps silence was the wisest and most discreet response for the second woman.

Life is complex; things don’t always happen in the clean and tidy way of our dreams.  Which leads me to my last critique.  Karon cleaned up all of Father Tim’s loose ends in a way I found facile and unbelievable.  I wish she had left some dangling threads.  It’s too neat ending felt formulaic. 

Scott Sower’s performance reading this book is two notches above excellent. His reading rivals Sissy Spacek’s reading of To Kill a Mockingbird for the best audio book I’ve heard.  For its flaws, it is still a lovely, lovely book.  My youngest son is part Samwise Gamgee, part Jeeves, and part Father Tim.  I love the Father Tim in him, because I simply love Father Tim.  In a year or two (when prices have dropped) I’ll pick up Home to Holly Springs in print and read through it.  I anticipate listening to it more than once. 

If your library carries this, I highly recommend it.  If you enjoy fiction about clerics, check out Anthony Trollope’s Barset Chronicles, begininning with The Warden.

Jayber Crow



The summer of 2006, this book was the buzz among blogs I frequented.  I believe a speaker at some conference named Wendell Berry’s Jayber Crow the best book he had read that year.   Since those glowing reviews this book has been waiting for me.  Recently Angie  and Deb both gave it a mixed review; they liked some parts, didn’t like others. 

I think the order in which one read books plays into his or her response, quickly acknowledging that the chronology of my book reading is quite random.  But I know I would not have benefited as much from this book if I had not first read Wendell Berry’s collection of short stories, That Distand Land and Michael Pollan’s The Omnivore’s Dilemma.  

I have only read 2 1/2 Wendell Berry books.  But I would encourage anyone to begin Berry (fiction) with That Distand Land.  His short stories span a century of Port Williams characters and give you the back story of his other Port Williams fiction.  When you have read about and come to love Burley Coulter, encountering him in Jayber Crow is finding an old friend. You understand him better because you know his story.

Pollan’s book (non-fiction) focuses on a farmer who regularly reads Wendell Berry’s nonfiction and subscribes to his ideas.  Having read this apology for sustainable farming made me a sympathetic reader to the conflict between Troy’s “progressive” farming and Athey’s “traditional” methods.  When I read the sentence, “The law of the farm was in the balance between crops (including hay and pasture) and livestock” I comprehended the philosophy behind those words.

Wendell Berry is a talented wordsmith.  He makes you slow down, his words give you pause.  I look forward with anticipation to reading through his published works.  But I’m not interested in gulping him down like a 32 oz. soft drink.  One does not gulp Berry.  One sips him, one savors the words, the thoughts, the poetry.

Ease of going was translated without pause
into a principled unwillingness to stop. p.187

This grief had something in it of generosity,
some nearness to joy.
In a strange way it added to me what I had lost.
I saw that, for me, this country would always be
populated with presences and absences,
presences of absences,
the living and the dead.
The world as it is would always be a reminder
of the world that was,
and of the world that is to come. p.132

Uncle Stanley had no more
sense of privacy than a fruit jar.   p.156
 
 

A Natural History of Latin

This book is for everyone who wants to know more about Latin,
about the language and about its influence on the culture and history of Europe.
(opening sentence)

I have written in the past about my beloved Latin teacher, Magister Dilectus. Learning Latin from such a scholar was one of the great benefits from God which I do not want ever to forget. Naturally, when I share my story, I get wistful sighs and yearning looks.  Reading A Natural History of Latin is the best, albeit poor in comparison, substitute to having a Latin scholar for a teacher.  As I turned the pages of this book, I fondly remembered the narrative of our teacher on the same subject. 

If you are striving to learn more than vocabulary, declensions and conjugations, this is the book to round out your understanding of both ancient and medieval culture, a book that will put the Latin you are learning into context.  One thing I can assure you: you don’t need to know a speck of Latin to read this book.  Every single Latin word is translated for you.

For instance, take Latin pronunciation.  I loved when Mr. F. would recite some text of Latin from memory, the mellifluous tones beautiful sounds, even if there was no comprehension of the words. Many students have been taught that since no one knows how it was pronounced, just say a Latin word as if it were an English word. [Screeching nails on the chalkboard!! Can you imagine listening to a choir sing a Latin text as if it were English?] There are a few reliable clues that get us very close to original pronunciation.  Loanwords, words taken from Latin into another language, are helpful.  Caesar is easy to pronounce in Latin if you just think of the German word Kaiser.  When archeology digs uncovered graffiti on the walls of Pompei which had been covered by the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius, the misspelled words offered clues to the phonetic pronunciation of those words.  

Our beloved teacher introduced us to medieval Latin poetry: the pounding trochaic lines in Dies Irae, the lugubrious Stabat Mater, and the playful Carmina Burana.  You can learn more about these if you read this book.  

If words and dialects fascinate you, if connections between languages are your “love language”, the first chapter is worth the price of the book. 

Interestingly, the modern pronunciation in many Scottish dialects is nearer to that of Latin because they did not undergo the same vowel changes as the dialects south of the border. 

One trick is to look for systematic patterns of sound correspondence.  One such is that an English f often corresponds to a Latin p, as in English father beside Latin pater, or English fish beside Latin piscis.

That one is fairly straightforward, but there are more surprising ones that can still be shown to be valid.  For example, Latin qu sometimes corresponds to English f, sometimes to v, so that English five can be proved to be connected with Latin quinque.  

All that fun from one page (p.11) of this book! Here’s more:

Many Latin words which began ca were changed in Old French so that they had the initial sound which we spell ch.  In many cases it is the French form which ends up in English, e.g. chapel, chart, chapter beside Latin capella ‘chapel’, charta ‘document’, capitulum ‘heading’,but sometimes we end up with both as in the case of channel and canal,  or enchant beside incantation, both, from in ‘in’ + cantare ‘sing’.  p. 165

Neuralgia, which means ‘nerve pain’, comes from the Greek words neuron ‘nerve’ and algia ‘pain’, and in Greek the prefix a-/an- marks a negative, as in amoral, so an analgesic is something that takes away pain. In fact, almost all our medical terms come from Latin or Greek. p. 149

I have to sit on my hands.  There are so many more wonderful passages about words. 

This book is criticized on Amazon for being written at a high school reading level.  I see that as a strength, not as a fault.  Many of us who desire to teach our children a language which we first need ourselves to learn are easily intimidated.  I do have a criticism of A Natural History of Latin.  The author’s viewpoint is decidedly secular, and to a point almost anti-Christian.  Here is an example: For someone who is not a Christian many of his [Augustine’s] ideas are strange or even repulsive.  This is especially true of the idea of original sin, the idea that man is born evil and has to be redeemed by the Saviour.  I could read around these occasional statements and enjoy the rest.

I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the long suffering patience of my friend Brenda at TanabuGirl. When she put her copy of this book in my hand and said, “take your time”, I don’t think she meant 15 months.  Brenda was one of the original 33 students who read Latin with our beloved teacher and one of the three remaining students six years later.  She now teaches at a Classical Christian School and has started a private blog Latin Pagina.  If you are interested in the notes of a Latin teacher, and ask really nicely [message her at TanabuGirl] I bet she’d let you be a guest and read what she is doing.  Thank you my friend.  This book will be on your desk Monday morning. Dominus vobiscum.

My Ántonia

My Ántonia

One never experiences a book in a vacuum.  Every reader brings a context which informs her reading.  Life experiences, current conflicts, distant memories, hormonal fluctuations, previous reading: all these color the impressions and shape the contours of your interactions.  That’s why re-reading a book from your past can be a novel experience. 

My Ántonia is Jim Burden’s account of  his childhood friend, Ántonia Shimerda. They arrived on the plains of Nebraska on the same night, lived as neighbors on farmsteads and were each other’s only friends while they lived in the country; eventually, societal boundaries separated them.  

When I read Willa Cather’s classic this time, I saw shades of Wendell Berry in Ántonia’s exuberant work ethic and  love for the land, and shadows of The Kiterunner in the contrast between Jim Burden’s position of privilege and the ethnic bias against the immigrant families.  My Ántonia is poignant without pathos, nostalgic without melancholy; homesickness  infused with the passionate joy of Ántonia. 

Willa Cather is known as an author of place, a master of location.  It is true.  When Cather writes about the land, you can see the place, feel the wind, hear the sounds.  This is where her writing is luminous. 

My memory from previous readings was of a sad ending; oh how wrong I was.  The last section of the book, where Jim, now a New York City lawyer, visits Ántonia with her husband and ten children, a farm full of harmony, laughter and work, was my favorite. 

[Jim’s grandfather is asked to pray at an impromptu service for a man who committed suicide]
“Oh, great and just God, no man among us knows what the sleeper knows, nor is it for us to judge what lies between him and Thee.”  He prayed that if any man there had been remiss toward the stranger come to a far country, God would forgive him and soften his heart.  He recalled the promises to the widow and the fatherless, and asked God to smooth the way before this widow and her children, and to “incline the hearts of men to deal justly with her.”  In closing, he said we were leaving Mr. Shimerda at “Thy judgment seat, which is also Thy mercy seat.” p. 134

I was thinking, as I watched her, how little it mattered–about her teeth, for instance.  I know so many women who have kept all the things that she had lost, but whose inner glow had faded.  Whatever else was gone, Ántonia had not lost the fire of life. p.379

…in farmhouses, somehow, life comes and goes by the back door. p.382

[Ántonia’s perceptive comment on depression (sadness) and hard work]
No, I never get down-hearted.  Anton’s a good man, and I love my children and always believed they would turn out well.  I belong on a farm.  I’m never lonesome here like I used to be in town.  You remember what sad spells I used to have, when I didn’t know what was the matter with me? I’ve never had them out here.  And I don’t mind work a bit, if I don’t have to put up with sadness.   p.387

[on Anton Cusak, Ántonia’s husband]
He looked like a humorous philosopher who had hitched up one shoulder under the burdens of life, and gone on his way having a good time when he could.  p.402

[Jim’s observation of Ántonia and Cuzak.  This is my marriage summed up in one sentence.]
Clearly, she was the impulse, and he the corrective.  p.403

The Omnivore’s Dilemma


Opening sentence: “What should we have for dinner?”

To call Michael Pollan’s book provocative is an impoverished way to communicate the swirling dervishes which dance around your brain while you listen to this piece.  Yes, it is provocative.  Provocative in the sense that it calls forth many thoughts.  

Pollan, a journalist, wonders if he could trace the food we eat back to its source.  He studies four meals: a McDonald’s take out (capable of eating with only one hand); a Whole Foods microwavable organic TV dinner (four words he never thought would be strung together) which represents industrial organic; a meal made from ingredients grown on Joel Salatin’s Polyface Farms, which touts itself as “beyond organic”;  and finally a meal consisting of meat he hunted, mushrooms he foraged, and vegetables and fruit grown nearby. 

In the opening chapters Pollan does a thorough job of explaining how we arrived to the point of massive farm subsidies and how corn is present in most of the fast foods sold.  Pollan also investigates Industrial Organic and visits Earthbound Farm, which supplies Costco with organic food.  In between the narrative of his travels, Pollan inserts background material and philosophical essays about the consequences individually and culturally of the food choices described.

When I got to the section about Joel Salatin and Polyface Farm (the famous disc 7) I bolted upright in my red Subaru. I’ve heard this before!  A few friends have been discussing this kind of farming for years: growing cattle, chickens, pigs, rabbits, turkeys, rotating pastures and using all the animal byproducts efficiently.  It all made sense and the Salatin family was portrayed as principled, winsome people.  

Most entertaining for this city-girl who married into a hunting and gathering family in rural Oregon was Pollan’s tale of  learning how to hunt and gather mushrooms so he could make a meal free of bar codes, totally from scratch.   He is honest about both the exhilaration he feels after successfully shooting a feral pig, and the remorse he encounters later (remorse is not a factor with my hunters).  He flirts with vegetarianism, debating the reasons why it is acceptable or non-acceptable to eat other animals.   Pollan’s day of hunting morel mushrooms took me back to the day in May when we scored morels like nobody’s business.  The picture he paints of putting a feast together singlehandedly is priceless: plans, schedules, interruptions, arrivals, and finally the food.  He pronounces this meal that he’s prepared and shared with his hunting and gathering mentors “the perfect meal.”  I hope you can relate to the satisfaction that comes from eating something you have had an active part in, i.e. a homegrown tomato.

Pollan doesn’t draw tight conclusions from his journey.  His worldview won’t let him go where I’d like to see him go.  However, he cannot avoid biblical motifs: the garden, the table, providence, feasting, communing, life from death, sacrificial giving. He writes about grace around the table, that the table is grace, but it is a truncated view of grace.  Nevertheless his skill is making complex issues comprehensible is profound.  He writes with clarity, honesty and beauty.

We would love to share a meal (elk backstrap, duck, bass or steelhead, sautéed veggies with basil, garden salad, homemade bread,  fresh raspberries and strawberry rhubarb pie) with Michael Pollan and his family.  Talk food, talk books, talk ideas.  We are on opposite sides of the spectrum on many issues.  But we enjoy exploring the differences, listening, understanding, exchanging.  I think it would be delightful.

This is a book to share, to discuss, to thrash over, to ponder, to wonder, to evaluate, to think over for a long time.